


The Arena- Lance & Pidge & "I Know You're In There somewhere" Fight

by the_sinnamon_roll_writes



Series: Bad Things Happen [14]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: I need to start writing some more Lance too he's gonna be showing up more in the future, I've been wanting to write an arena fic for a while now so I did this, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Whump, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Pidge | Katie Holt Whump, and that's a threat, as per previous fics it can or can’t be read as plance it’s totally up to you, idk it could stand alone we'll see how lazy I'm feeling, the early middle part of this reads a kbit messy but I really love how this one turned out overall, there will be a sequel coming up soon I think maybe, they both get whacked a few times and there's some light stabbing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-11-01 03:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17859668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sinnamon_roll_writes/pseuds/the_sinnamon_roll_writes
Summary: This is a follow up to my betrayal prompt, Trust and Burn! Really I think most of it would make sense even if you haven’t read it though, you don’t really need to. Pidge finally gets rescued, but it doesn't go over as easily as Lance had hoped it would. I’m past halfway through with my bingo card!





	1. Nothing Left

The alien was charging at her and she had to summersault out of the way to avoid being speared. This thing had a huge size advantage over her, but that wasn’t exactly anything new to her. The only beings in space that she’d encountered that were smaller than her were the Arusians and her puffs. But she was ready to bet she was smarter. And she would take brains over brawn any day. Her strategy for now would be to avoid. She needed to stay back and study it, figure out its weak points. Everything had one. If she could just get it down, she would win. 

His size made him slow, she noted as she once again sidestepped an attack. Once he picked up speed, he had trouble stopping and changing directions. That was something she could take advantage of. She was more nimble than he was, and that was going to come in handy. She looked around at the cement-like walls around them, and started to form a plan. It wasn’t exactly an incredibly complex one, and it really only required one thing of her. 

Speed. 

With thought-out movements, she started to walk in circles around the walls to try and draw him near. As soon as he was within his arms reach of the wall they were closest to, she ducked underneath him and sprinted as fast as she could directly across the arena. A glance back showed exactly what she had hoped- he was gaining on her quick. When she neared the wall, she turned around to face him dead on. It was a game of chicken now. If she jumped too soon, she risked giving him time to slow down. If she jumped to late, she would become a pancake against the wall. She took in a big gulp of air before she dove off to the side. Her opponent ran smack into the hard wall, and promptly fell on his ass, looking rather stunned. 

She didn’t give him a chance to gather his wits before she made her move. 

The crowd roared as one of the two figures in front of them fell to the ground with a blade embedded in its chest. 

“How many fights has she won now?” Haggar asked, studying the arena closely. 

“This latest win brings her kill total up to twenty nine,” the Galran officer she was addressing replied. “She’s fast, and stronger than she looks. She’s becoming a favorite in the betting pools.”

“Impressive. And has she shown any signs of regression?”

“None that I’ve noticed. In fact, it almost seems like she’s been enjoying herself.”

“Good,” Haggar said quietly, almost more to herself. “We want our new Champion to be happy.”

•••

Pidge had been missing for nearly five months now, and everyone was starting to lose morale. Keith had temporarily dropped out of the Blades, and Allura had all but abandoned the Coalition. Coran was doing his best to put on a cheerful front, but he didn’t fool anyone. He was just as upset as the rest of them. Shiro was absolutely devastated. He had lost another Holt. That made three out of four. How many times was he going to fail their family? Once was already too much. Three times- three times and he could hardly stand to look at himself in the mirror. 

Needless to say, tensions were running high in the Castle. Hardly a day went by without someone biting someone else’s head off. Unsurprisingly, Keith was one of the more common snappers. More surprisingly, Hunk had also started picking fights with the rest of them. Lance couldn’t remember ever seeing him so depressed. Losing half of Team Punk was hitting him hard. 

To make it worse, they were running out of leads. Was this how Pidge had felt when she was searching for her family? If it was, then Lance could see why she would spend so many late nights searching, and it certainly explained some of the attitude she would sling. It was absolutely unbearable. Having so many failed attempts to get to her was leaving a constant ache in Lance’s chest. Hope was draining out of the Castle hour by hour. There wasn’t a single point in time when at least three of them weren’t searching for her. They would take turns making meals, and regularly ate at their work stations, rather than the dining room. 

It was Keith who suggested that one of them get caught intentionally to see if they could be led to Pidge. It was a long shot though, and no one went for it. At least, not until they were creeping up on six months with still no idea where to go. 

“I don’t know Keith,” Shiro said with a frown. “I mean, there is a chance that we’ll get taken to where she’s at, but there’s also a good chance that they won’t. And we can’t be down another person.”

“Well, do you have a better plan?” Keith asked, sounding a bit more challenging than he’d meant to. 

“I... don’t, actually. Who would even get caught?”

Without hesitation, Lance and Keith both volunteered, then stared at each other in surprise. 

“It was my fault she got caught,” Keith said after a moment. “I should be the one to find her. I owe it to her.”

“Keith, you’ve got bigger roles around here than I do. You’re not just a part of this team, you also have responsibilities to the Blades. You need to stay here.” 

Shiro was surprised to hear how serious Lance was. It looked like he had actually thought this through a little. But he didn’t like the self-depreciating tone he was taking on. “Lance, you belong with us too. Your place is just as important as Keith’s is. He does have a point though Keith. You’re a part of the Blades now too, you’d need to get approval from them. Lance... you have my permission to do this. Hunk, do you think you could create some sort of tracker that Lance could keep on him without the Galra knowing?”

Hunk nodded and looked around. “Coran? Can you come with me to get some parts? It shouldn’t need too much, but there are a few things that I’m still not sure where you keep.”

“On it.”

•••

“Lance, are you sure you don’t want to test out that tracker Hunk made?” Shiro asked. 

“Its fine. Pidge has already been with them for too long. Besides, I trust Hunk’s abilities. If he says it works, then I’m fine with it,” Lance said confidently. 

“Woah, I never actually said ‘it works’. Like Shiro said, I didn’t exactly have a chance to try it out over long distances.”

“I just heard you say it works. Let’s go!” Without waiting, Lance shot off ahead of them. He was actually pretty scared, but he didn’t want to let anyone else know that. He had volunteered for this mission, and he was gonna do it, damn it. Besides, it wouldn’t be overly difficult. He just needed to get caught, get taken to Pidge, and lay low until the rest of the team joined them with a fuck ton of backup. They had agreed to give him five days before coming to the rescue. Five days to find her. If this didn’t work, then they could very well be losing their best shot at finding her. But it was going to work. It had to. 

•••

His capture had gone as smoothly as he could’ve expected. None of the others were taken captive, and the Galra hadn’t noticed the tracking devise Hunk had planted on him at all. Unfortunately, it hadn’t quite gone perfectly either. Lance had managed to get a harsh hit to the head that had knocked him out. When he’d woken back up briefly as a prisoner, his head was still aching terribly, and he couldn’t quite see straight. That wasn’t good. That could make it harder to get out. And to...

Shit. Lance couldn’t remember what he was here for. He was looking for something. It was something green. Something small... and it was a some _one_ , not a some _thing_. That was it. He was here to find Pidge. The little Green Paladin. Fuck, his head hurt. Against his will, Lance felt his eyes sliding back shut. He needed to heal, after all. And rest was the best way to do that. Pidge could wait just a little longer...

•••

Lance woke up and passed back out twice before he was able to stand up and look around. His head still ached, but it wasn’t incapacitating. Shit, how long had he been out?

“Hey- hey!” Lance waved through the bars of his cell to try and get someone’s attention. “How long have I been in here?”

A tall Galra came walking towards him from his left, looking mildly irritated. To Lance’s surprise, he started to open the door and gestured for Lance to exit. 

“How long have I been here?” Lance repeated. He stared at the Galra and stepped out cautiously. 

“About five quintants.” He pushed Lance’s shoulder and started walking him down the hall from where he had come from. 

Quintants. Right. How long was that? Damn it all, Lance should’ve paid more attention when they were discussing time conversions. All he could remember right now was that they were coming to get him after five days. _‘Please don’t let a quintant be a day, I haven’t even had a chance to look for her.’_

He didn’t think he’d be able to face the others if they came and got him and found out that he had just been in a mini-coma the whole time. Where was he being taken? To the other prisoners? That wouldn’t make much sense. They’d already kept him alone for... however long he’d been sleeping. Why put him with others right now? 

“Are there any other prisoners on board? Where are they being kept?” Lance tried to ask nonchalantly. The Galra may have had a limited grasp on human tones, but he didn’t want to risk giving them any ideas of what he might be doing. Judging by the scowl on his ugly Galran mug, they were already suspicious. 

“What does it matter? Why are you asking questions?”

“Uh- it doesn’t, I was just wondering... about that,” he finished lamely. The guard was still side-eyeing him intensely. He wouldn’t be able to get away from him like this, Lance realized. He was being watched too closely. He’d have to do something creative. Something to throw the Galra off his guard. Lance studied the Galra as closely as he could without drawing more attention to himself. Which wasn’t very closely. But it was enough for him to spot a knife tucked in a sheath at his side. Bingo. He would steal the knife and make a break for it. If he could get in some good stabs with it, he’d probably be able to buy some time to find Pidge. 

No point in putting it off, he decided. Taking a deep breath, Lance hurled himself at the officer, snatching the handle of the knife and jerking it loose. He brandished the weapon as dramatically as he could, and started slashing at the guard. Perfect plan. 

It had been awhile since he’d done any training with knives though, and it showed. The blade hadn’t even touched the Galra before he caught Lance’s arm and jerked the knife from his hands. He didn’t even look mad. In fact, a grin had appeared on the guard’s face. 

“I like your spunk. Here’s hoping they drop you a gun in the arena though, because you’re terrible with that,” laughed his opponent, knocking the blade from his hand with ease. 

_‘Here’S hoPinG thEY dRoP a GUN in tHe aREna,’_ Lance thought mockingly. It was only the dangerous proximity of the Galra’s hand to the back of his head that kept him from voicing his thoughts. He was here to find Pidge, not get walloped over the head. It was until they’d turned a corner that what the Galran has said hit him. The arena? _The_ arena? _‘Oh holy shit, I won’t make it in the arena. This was a mistake, I’m gonna die before I got to find Pidge, oh god oh god-‘_

The guard holding him seemed to sense his panic and laughed cruelly. “Not what you were expecting?”

“W-wait- I can’t go to the arena! I’m still recovering! I just woke up, I won’t- I won’t be able to put up a good fight,” he tried desperately. He was ignored. Lance hadn’t imagined when he’d been caught that he would be thrown into the arena. Hadn’t imagined that at all. From what he’d gathered, Shiro had hardly survived fighting in the Galra’s pits- there was no way he would make it. As far as he could tell, his only shot now was to hope that the others would come for him before it was too late. They’d agreed on five days- how many days were in five fucking quintants? Oh _please_ let it have been five days. He would’ve done anything to avoid going where he was being taken. Unfortunately his legs weren’t listening to him tell them to make a break for it, He’d gone on autopilot, walking alongside his escorts in a sort of stunned silence. He would have to get it together before he would be forced to fight for his life. 

Suddenly his headache felt about a million times worse. 

“The crowd is excited,” the Galra beside him said. “You humans have proved to be excellent fighters in the pits. They’re looking forward to see how your kind fares fighting against each other.”

He was fighting against another human? Who? For a horrible moment, Lance wondered if they had caught Matt Holt again. There was no way he could fight against Pidge’s brother. For one thing, he was _Pidge’s brother-_ the one she had come into space to save in the first place. She would decimate him if he laid a finger on Matt. For another, from what Lance had gathered, he was a total nerd, and Lance just wouldn’t feel right beating up a nerd. That wasn’t the kind of cool guy he was. 

But when he entered the arena, it wasn’t Matt Holt he was facing. It was the other Holt. 

Pidge. 

They were going to make _them_ fight? This whole thing was twisted. But the Galra probably knew that, and didn’t care. Hell, they probably got off on it. There was a silver lining though. They may have been thrown in the arena, but at least they were together- they could come up with some sort of escape plan. Pretend to fight until they got some weapons to overpower the guards and make a break for it, or something. She was good at plans, and he wasn’t half bad at them himself. It would be tricky, trying to find the time to talk when they were supposed to be killing each other, but they would figure it out. 

The glare on her face had him thinking that she hadn’t recognized him yet. That was fair, he was still a ways away. He’d need to get closer anyways. As he neared her, he started to realized that there was something very wrong. There was something missing in her. She looked rough, almost feral. Her features had hardened, making her look much older than she actually was. How many fights had she seen? Upon closer look, he realized she had scars criss-crossing her face and arms, as well as some odd purple lines that disappeared under her clothes. Had they tattooed her? What purpose could that possibly have? Lance shook his head to clear it as best he could. He needed to get to her. 

Suddenly the realization that he had found her washed over him, and he almost laughed out loud. Unable to help himself, Lance started to sprint across the arena. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting. A smile, a hug, maybe a lecture about taking so long to find her. He sure as hell wasn’t expecting a fist square in the center of his chest. But that was what he got. He was knocked backwards a few steps, and nearly lost his footing. _“Oof!_ Pidge, what the _fuck?_ It’s me! Lance!”

“I know.”

She... knew? Then why was she hitting him? Sure, she had a right to be mad, but this wasn’t the best time for them to be fighting for real. Now was the time to devise a plan to escape. “Okay, then you know we need to get out of here, right?”

That just earned him a glare, and he took another step back. He needed to figure out what exactly was happening, and he’d rather do that without getting hit again. Was she really pissed enough that she was willing to risk getting back to their team? 

“Look, I get that you’re mad, but now really isn’t the time for this,” he said, trying not to get angry himself. “We need to get back to the Castle- back to Voltron.”

“I’m not going back. I fight for the Galra empire now,” Pidge said with cool conviction. Lance could feel the hair on his neck stand up. He was going to have to fight her. This was going to happen. If she was really fighting for the Galra, then she would be fighting until one of them was dead. What was that stupid thing they liked to say? Victory or death? Yeah, fuck that. There had to be a way of getting through to her. 

“Pidge, you don’t really want to do this. I know you! We’re friends, remember?” Lance tried, stepping back away from her cautiously. He didn’t want to fight her. She was one of his best friends. She was the one he’d been looking for, for fucks sake. “We’ve been through so much together. Don’t make me have to hurt you!”

“Together? You left me to _rot.”_ She was launching herself at him before she finished talking. He had to backpedal to avoid a fist to his throat. “The Druids are going to reunite me with my family. They’re going to help me take out those backstabbing Wambonians. They’re not going to hurt me again!”

Well that seemed like an odd note to end on. What kind of abusive ass relationship had the Galra roped her into? Every sentence bought a new attack that Lance was barely able to dodge. She was fast and absolutely ruthless. Fuck, he had to think. How was he going to stop her long enough to hear him out? However he was going to do it, he needed to do it fast. Before they dropped any weapons in. Put a blade in her hands and things would go from bad to total shitshow real damn quick. “And in return you just need to kill other people for their entertainment?”

“If that’s what it takes.” 

So they had convinced her that what she was doing was right. Shit, that always made things harder. If she didn’t stop soon, he would be forced to go on the offensive himself. The thought was unbearable. Even if she was trying to kill him, he couldn’t stand the idea of hurting Pidge. He cared about her. And he had an idea that suplexing her wasn’t going to help in the slightest. He managed to catch one of her arms. “Pidge, come on, this isn’t you! You- you don’t like killing people! You’re a good person, you don’t belong with the Galra!”

“I don’t belong with Voltron either,” she hissed, jerking away and hitting at him with her other hand. “It doesn’t take a genius to see how much I mattered to you all.”

“You gotta believe me, we spent every minute of every day looking for you. We never gave up! I don’t think Shiro’s been sleeping-“ he paused to duck under a fist and slide off to the side. “Hunk has hardly left his computer, he’s been searching through every record of Galra prisons that we had. Allura- she stopped all Coalition operations to focus on searching! Fuck, I got caught by the Galra on purpose to find you!”

He was silenced with a fist to his jaw. It seemed as though he wouldn’t get through to her here. He had to get her out of this arena. As far as he knew though, there were only two ways to get out of here, and those were alive or dead. Neither of which would do him any good. He wanted to cry. Months of having no idea where she was, and he finally found her and she was like this. 

“You _replaced_ me!”

“What?! No we didn’t! How could we replace you? Do you really think the Green Lion would just give up on you? Did you think we would give up on you?” Where had she gotten these ideas from? What else had she been told? Lance had an inkling that he wasn’t going to find out just by asking nicely. She didn’t even seem to be hearing what he was trying to tell her. He had to slow her down to try and get her to hear him out. 

What were her weaknesses? He wasn’t sure. There was know way of knowing what sort of training the Galra may or may not have put her through. This wasn’t the same Pidge he had spent so much time with before. That Pidge was buried somewhere deep down. She was there though, he just knew it. She had to be. He was scrambling to think of what might stop her. There was no way he could outsmart her. He’d go down pretty quick if he tried that. So he’d have to out-brute her instead. She was smaller than he was. He still had at least a foot on her, and probably a little over thirty pounds. Maybe suplexing her really was the right way to go. If he could get her pinned down, he might be able to find some way to make her listen. That came with risks of its own though. Accidentally hurting her seriously would be counterproductive. 

Then it began raining metal. Now there were weapons in the picture. Fan-freakin’-tastic. Just what he needed. Pidge coming at him with a knife. Some absurd part of him wanted to laugh. She looked like a deranged little pixie, flying at him in Galra colors. _‘Oh shit, the pixie is almost in arm’s reach. With a knife.’_

“Fuck!” Lance just barely managed to roll away from her in time. She was going for vulnerable points in his body, and he thought back to remember what Shiro had taught him about defense. 

_‘The best defense is a good offense.’_ That didn’t sound like a Shiro thing to say, but it was the only line he could think of. Shit. He didn’t have much of a choice. Although every part of him was telling him not to, Lance squared up and threw a halfassed punch her way. Which was easily dodged, and retaliated with a kick directed at his ribs. He barely managed to stumble back in time to avoid getting stabbed. _‘Damn it, that’s right. She knows how I fight. And she knows how to stop me when I fight like that. I’ll have to change my style if I want to win.’_

This had just gotten a lot harder. He was a distance fighter. The team’s sharpshooter. Close combat had never been his specialty. And she’d always been able to hold her own against all of them in training. But losing wasn’t an option right now. A loss right now wouldn’t just hurt him- the entire team would basically be losing two key members. The two arms of Voltron, gone. That couldn’t happen. Lance fell back to study her movements as carefully as he could. She may have known his strategies, but he’d fought alongside her too. And he knew a thing or two about how she fought. She was quick, and tended to dart in for an attack before retreating. If he could catch her when she came in, maybe he could get her in a headlock and force her to listen to him. Or something like that. If all else failed, he could just knock her out and... figure out what to do without the threat of her stabbing him.

But then he remembered her biggest weakness. “Wait! What will your family say if they find out about this? Do you think they’ll be proud of what you’ve become?”

She wavered and stopped her advance. “It’s- I- they’ll understand. They’ll understand. They would do the same thing for me.” 

She didn’t sound nearly as sure of herself anymore, and for a moment Lance thought he might’ve gotten through to her. But her eyes widened, and the hand that wasn’t gripping a weapon went up to grab at her head, like she was suddenly in a great deal of pain. “No! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

It didn’t take long for Lance to see the dark purple lines that encircled her had lit up a bright pink, encompassing her body. Her back arched as she fell to her knees, screaming. She kneeled over, seizing involuntarily. A roar sounded through the crowd, and Lance looked up to realize that they were _laughing_ at her. He could’ve killed every last one of them without feeling any remorse in that instant. How _dare_ they laugh at Pidge’s pain? 

The pink faded after a few moments, and she was left fighting off tremors where she was laying. When she looked up again at him, he was shocked to see pure terror on her face. Like she was afraid of him. She wouldn’t be afraid of him, would she? Lance found himself wondering again how many times she’d fought in here- how many times she’d hesitated and been punished for it. He could only imagine that she would recover to an adversary trying to kill her. No wonder she looked so frightened. 

Lance was alarmed to see that the purple lines hadn’t disappeared. Were they etched into her body? Were they permanent? Were they... her _veins?_ Shit, did that mean they could do _that_ to her whenever they wanted to? Fuck, he hoped not. That would be a whole new set of challenges when they made it out of here.

She wasn’t able to stand straight anymore when she managed to push herself to her feet. That wasn’t enough to keep her from coming at him again though. It might’ve just been his imagination, but it almost felt like she was starting to hold back. But she didn’t stop. There was no other choice now. Bending down, he scooped up a spear that had half the handle broken. Even though it was shortened, it gave him a longer reach than her knife did. Lance didn’t let himself think. He couldn’t let himself think. Because if he thought, then he wouldn’t be able to do it. He just needed to slow her down. He shot forward and landed the spear deep enough in her left arm to shove her back a few feet. Blood immediately started dripping around the point of impact

Pidge gasped, and the sound was echoed through the crowd of Galra spectators. He had forgotten about them. It made Lance shudder to know that he had just hurt her. What was even more chilling was how... _okay_ she was with it. She was just staring down, looking more surprised than anything. Was this the first time an opponent had drawn blood or something? Under any other circumstances, Lance might’ve been proud. Given the fact that his success came in the form of hurting her, however, he was unable to be truly pleased. Who knew, maybe one day they’ll look back and laugh (“Hey Pidge, remember that time I stabbed you?” “Yeah! Good times.”). 

He winced when she reached down and yanked it out of her body with a groan and threw it on the ground. Her left hand came up to rest over it, while her right hand still clutched the knife weakly. 

_“Please,_ Pidge, this isn’t who you are,” he pleaded desperately. “You’re a creator, not a- destroyer. You help people, and you save lives. You pilot the Green Lion. You’re K-Katie Holt, and the Green Paladin of Voltron. You’re one of my best friends- you have been since the Garrison. And you’re one of the bravest, kindest people I’ve ever met, and I know you’re in there somewhere. I need you back. _Please, Pidge, I need you.”_

That stopped her dead in her tracks. She swayed back and forth where she stood, like she couldn’t decide whether to step forward or stumble back. The blade in her hand clattered to the floor and she looked at him in horror, like everything she’d been through, everything she’d done- was washing over her. Pidge’s eyes began to water as she backpedaled away from him. She made it about four steps before she tripped and fell backwards. Her eyes didn’t blink when Lance crawled over to her. She just continued staring at his face. The fear there had been mirrored in the faces of every person she had bested here in the arena. So many faces. 

He was just starting to reach out to brush his hand against his face when the purple veins across her body started to glow vivid pink again. 

_“No!”_ He and Pidge exclaimed in unison. But it was too late. She was falling backwards from where she was seated. Lance was just barely able to lunge forward and catch her before her head crashed into the ground. The second that he touched her, an electric shock jolted through his body and nearly caused him to drop her. But he held on tightly. As unpleasant as it felt, he had to remind himself that he was only feeling a fraction of what she was. So he ignored it, focusing instead on just keeping her sitting upright. It was hard to do- she was convulsing violently and didn’t seem to have any control over her body whatsoever. The only sound coming from her was a strained gurgle from somewhere deep in her chest. This was worse than it had been earlier. Before she'd had the presence of mind to try and curl up- to do something to ease the pain. Now she was seizing so hard that Lance was growing worried she wasn’t able to breathe. The laughter of the crowd was deafening, and Lance couldn’t keep the panic from bubbling up. He was about ready to lay her down and go hunting for the Druid that was doing this when there came a loud blast from somewhere outside of the arena and the glowing dissipated. They must’ve gotten distracted. Pidge went limp in his arms, and Lance realized that this might make escaping much more difficult. He needed to get her back up. 

Feeling a little bad, Lance pushed her out to hold her up at arms length and shook her. Her head rocked back and forth once before her eyes fluttered open to find Lance’s face. When she seemed to understand where she was, she pushed herself up and staggered back away from Lance, looking horrified. 

“What was that?” Just as Lance was asking, another loud boom rang through the air and shook the building. Looking around at Pidge and the surrounding spectators, he got the idea that this wasn’t a normal occurrence.

Before he could get a chance to say anything else-or get an answer- the walls around them started to fall. Screams filled the air as crowd and the competitors alike started to scramble to get away from the crumbling arena. He didn’t have much of a chance to reach out to Pidge again before she was turning around and stumbling away from him. In the wrong direction. Pidge was running deeper into the collapsing building. Cursing under his breath, Lance followed her as quickly as he could. This needed to be fast. Time was scarce. She was quick, and normally could outrun him, but her shorter legs had trouble getting around the rubble that was already on the floor. Luckily Lance was able to vault most of it and was making much more progress than she was, so he was able to catch up with her fairly quickly. “Pidge, we need to get out of here! We’ll be crushed!”

She had a mad look in her eye when she turned to face him and shook her head rapidly. “Lance... Lance, there’s no way I can go back. After all I’ve done...”

“Pidge-oof!” Lance was cut off and fell forward when a large chunk of metal came down and smacked his head, leaving him seeing stars. _Again._ Rough day to be his head. It almost made him smile when she rushed forward on instinct to help him straighten up. That was a plus. She was approaching him, without even trying to kill him. Apparently all he’d needed to do was get a head injury. Another one. 

“Shit, are you okay Lance?”

“I’m good for now. But I won’t be if we stay here. So come on!” He tried to grab her hand and pull her along, but she wouldn’t budge. “Pidge, I’m not leaving without you.”

“You have to- Lance, you’re a Paladin, you need to leave,” Pidge said, trying to wiggle her hand from his. “I’ll... I’ll be fine.”

“Oh, _bullshit._ You’re a Paladin too. And you’re coming with me, or we’re both getting crushed,” Lance snapped. He had come too far to just let her die here. He’d pick her up and carry her out kicking and screaming before he left her here. 

”I’m... I can’t be a Paladin anymore. Not after what I... I killed people, Lance. I killed a lot of people.”

“We all have.” The look on her face told him that it wasn’t that simple. 

“You don’t understand. This is different. It was for fun.”

“They forced you to,” Lance reasoned. He really needed to get her back to the Castle quickly to talk to her in a safer place. She was in a bad place, in more ways than one, but he couldn’t help her in here. “You just did what you had to to stay-“

“I liked it.”

“What?”

“I did. It felt so good to hurt someone else for a change. I just didn’t want them t-to hurt me anymore. I was willing to do anything to keep from going back on that table.”

And now he was way the fuck out of his depth. He just wanted to focus on getting out alive. There was absolutely nothing in any universe out there that he could say in response to this. Hell, he had a feeling that not even Shiro would know how to tackle this one. But she was looking at him, and expecting him- _hoping_ for him to say something. _‘So say something!’_

“Um- it’ll be okay.” Oh god, why was he reaching out and patting her shoulder? What the fuck was he doing? He could do better than that! He was so tired, and he could feel his brain still spinning. There was so much he knew he should be saying to her right now. But with chunks of ceiling continuing to fall down around them, he just couldn’t think straight. She had flinched when his hand touched her, but then she stared down at where he had placed it. Slowly, her eyes trailed up Lance’s outreached arm and to his face. He tried to smile, but wound up just baring his teeth at her. She gazed at him a minute, with her jaw hanging open. 

Then she giggled. The giggle turned into a laugh. Before Lance could process what was going on, Pidge was bent over and laughing hysterically. Bits of ceiling rained down on them. Nothing too dangerous yet, but it was only a matter of time before one of them was hit again. He had no idea what to do. Was it appropriate to laugh with her? He wasn’t sure, so Lance let out a nervous chuckle of his own. “Pidge...?”

When she straightened up, he saw that she wasn’t actually laughing. She was crying. He could’ve seen that coming. “I- I’m sorry... Lance... I’m so sorry...”

“Aw, Pidge. We- none of us are gonna think any different of you. I swear. We get why you did it. You didn’t have a choice, okay? You had to. And you- you needed to do it, so you made yourself enjoy it,” he said reasonably. She needed him to be levelheaded right now, and he was gonna be, damnit. “We’ll get you back to the Castle, and you’ll be able to heal. You know, Shiro has been through the same thing, so you’ll have him. Pidge, we’ve all missed you so much. I meant it when I said we’ve spent every day looking for you since you went missing. We need you.”

 _“I_ think differently of myself! You don’t get it Lance, _I can’t be a Paladin anymore._ I can't. Not after all I’ve done.”

“Well, that’s not exactly your call. Green will be the final judge there.”

“Even if Green still wants me, Lance, it just... wouldn’t be right.”

“You’ve saved so many more people though. I know it feels bad right now, but you’ll get through it. You always do.” Lance cautiously reached out to take her hand again and started pulling her towards the exit. She jerked away from him, letting him know that she didn’t agree with him. To his relief though, she started jogging with him anyway. Pidge could navigate the place easily, a not so friendly reminder that she had been stuck here long enough to learn the layout. They were able to get outside without either of them getting hit by anything too large. 

Lance looked up to the sky and couldn’t help the delighted laugh that came from his mouth when he saw the Castle, and three of the five Lions flying around and wrecking everything. Nothing he’d ever seen was more beautiful than that sight right now. He looked over at Pidge, expecting to see her at least smiling. She wasn’t. She looked terrified. Damn. He’d hoped that seeing this again- the Castle and the Lions- might somehow sway her mind back to how it was before. Probably should’ve known it wouldn’t work. 

Pidge was shaking her head now, this time firmly planted in her spot. “I can’t do it. Lance, I can’t do it. Don’t make me- it was hard enough letting you down, don’t make me let the others down too. Just... tell them I died or something.”

Once again, he was left speechless. He obviously wouldn’t do that, but how could he convince her that this was a good thing? “Pidge... you don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“I can figure something out.”

“Look, just come with us. It would destroy them if they thought you were dead. Please. We can get this worked out. You’re still you, and we still care about you. We all love you, _so_ much. Nothing you do could change that.”

“I’m not me- they- they tore me apart. I’m not... whole.” She was struggling to find the right words she needed. Pidge looked down at her arms, and the deep purple that marred her skin. “They took so much... I’ll never get it back. Any of it. I’m not worth it.”

It was alarming to hear her talk like this. He was used to self-depreciation from himself, and occasionally from Keith, but never from her. Ms. Confident. Normally she wouldn’t even imply that she wasn’t worth it. Now she was outright stating it? This was so wrong. He just realized that she had been inching away from him. She managed to get roughly two feet away from him already without him noticing. “Come on, you don’t get to decide your self-worth. Don’t you know your value is totally determined by people around you?”

She looked over at him, and he was relieved to see a watery smile on her face. She still shook her head, but she let him walk over and pull her close in his arms. He’d been dying to do this since he’d first seen her. It had been _so long._ From the way she was clinging to him, he had a feeling that she was needing it. Without thinking, Lance pressed a kiss down to the crown of her head. It just felt so natural to both of them, neither seemed to really even notice. 

“I mean it, Pidge. It will be okay. We’re gonna take care of you, and keep you safe. Hell, I doubt Shiro will ever take his eyes off you again. I bet- I’m sure if you really wanted to, you could go back to Earth to be with your mom. She’s still there, right?” Pidge stiffened, and he wondered if that had really been the right thing to say. She nodded after a moment though, but that didn’t keep him from sighing mentally. Right now he would’ve said just about anything to help her, and he had a strong feeling that what he’d just said didn’t. “They aren’t getting to you again. Alright? We’ve got you now. We’ve got you. They can’t hurt you now.”

Pidge was only hearing every other word. Lance’s arms around her felt like heaven. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been touched so gently, with so much care and love. It was like she’d forgotten that feelings like this actually existed. She didn’t ever want him to let her go. Her grip on him tightened when she heard the Black, Blue, and Yellow Lions land near them. She kept her face hidden in his chest, and Lance could feel her shivering. Luckily he didn’t let her go, even as they could hear the others approaching. 

“They’re excited to see you,” Lance said quietly. When she didn’t answer, he just pressed his forehead back down against her head. “It’s okay. You don’t need to talk to them right now. I’ve got you.”

It warmed his heart when she took a deep breath and relaxed against him. It took a few minutes before the other Paladins were able to see them, and as soon as Lance could find Shiro’s eyes, he shook his head. Shiro got the message, and reached out to stop Allura and Hunk. “The Castle is here though. You’re- uh- you’re still bleeding. Sorry about that. Can we get you inside?”

Once again, she said nothing. She nodded, but didn’t make any other movement. Lance was momentarily unsure of what to do. Fuck it. He was just going to pick her up. She didn’t protest- in fact, it almost felt like she liked it. Just how touch-starved was she? Whatever, it wasn’t like it really mattered. Lance nodded sharply at the others as he passed, silently instructing them to give her space. They all did, standing to the side and watching Lance walk with Pidge to the Castle. Lance could tell already- it was going to be a long road towards recovery.


	2. Something Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say, this is just a bit of a lazy conclusion. Pretty much just crying and healing!

“Are you sure you don’t want to spend some time in one of those yourself?” Shiro was frowning at Lance again. 

And Lance was ignoring him again. He hadn’t wanted to move from in front of Pidge’s pod since the Castle had taken off. Hunk was the only one who was able to coax him into doing anything. Eating, sleeping, taking a shower and changing into clean clothes- it all took much more work than anyone had expected. 

“Lance you hit your head pretty hard.”

“I’m _fine,_ Shiro. Besides, she’s gonna be out soon.”

“It was just a suggestion, man,” Hunk said placatingly. “He’s only looking out for you.”

Lance groaned. He was getting sick of being looked out for. Everyone trying to give him comfort he didn’t want or need. Really, he hadn’t been hurt that badly. And he was pretty sure that if anything serious had happened, it would’ve shown by now. It had been three days. How long was the- whatever, the watching period for a head injury? He needed to be sure that he’d be there when she woke up. He’d seen her face when she’d seen the others, there was no way he could let her wake up without him there. 

Besides, she would be up soon, it wasn’t like he couldn’t wait just a little while longer. They had all gathered, and were sitting together making small talk until they heard the hiss of the pod opening up. Lance was the first one up to help her, shooting Shiro a look as though to say _‘told ya’._ Her eyes fluttered open, and she gasped when she saw who she was surrounded by. 

“Hi everyone.” Pidge was at a loss for words. What else could she possibly say? She could only stare at the others, and they stared back at her. 

“It’s really good to see you Pidge,” Hunk finally choked out. One look at him revealed that he was starting to cry. He couldn’t help himself. Hunk jumped forward and picked her up in a bear hug. She squeaked in surprise, but didn’t try to get away when he pressed his face into her shoulder. After a second, she wrapped her arms around him as well. None of the others missed the way her wide eyes had scanned the room before she really seemed to get into the hug. She had relaxed ever-so-slightly when they landed on Lance, making him glad he had decided to stay. 

“Alright, Hunk, give her some room,” Shiro said, stepping forward and putting a hand on Hunk’s shoulder. 

“Sorry.” Hunk dropped her and took a step back, sniffling guiltily. 

Pidge didn’t take her eyes off of the group in front of her, but she started inching towards Lance. He got the hint and walked over to stand beside her. It was hard to say if she actually took any comfort from his proximity, but they had to assume she did. Especially when she reached out to hold onto his arm. 

The longer Shiro looked at her, the deeper his frown got. The dark purple that had swirled through her body had been diminished by the healing pod’s powers, but her veins were still dark enough to be visible through her skin. He wondered if it would ever completely go away. Even more upsetting were her eyes. It was like there was a light that had burned out inside her. This wasn’t the same Pidge he had come into space with. This wasn’t even the same Pidge that he’d fought alongside the last time he’d seen her. She was missing the fierce spirit that had kept her strong. It was as he’d feared- they’d taken Pidge and had torn her apart, and now she was just a shell of the girl he’d known. 

But he had been that way too. He could remember feeling as empty as she looked right now. And he had (mostly) come back from it. She was just as strong as he was. If he had recovered, then so could she. That didn’t make looking into her hollow eyes any easier though. Those eyes were a reminder of what they had let happen to her. Slowly, Shiro approached her and reached out with his human hand to squeeze her upper arm. “How are you doing, Katie?”

For some reason, Pidge found she could no longer look him in the eye. Once again, what she had done crept into her mind, unbidden and unwelcome. She shouldn’t be here with them. God, a small part of her still resented them. But looking around at all of them, she could see just how much this had affected them as well. Everyone had bags under their eyes, and it was clear that Hunk wasn’t the only one who was crying. Coran was gripping Allura’s shoulder tightly, and they both looked on with red eyes. Even Keith looked like he had shed a few tears. It struck her just how upset he looked. She could vaguely remember being with him before she was taken. The dummy probably blamed himself. 

She reached up to take Shiro’s hand with the intent to pull it down, but when she touched it, she found she couldn’t. Instead, she felt herself start to squeeze it. She only let go when he took another step forward and pulled her into another hug. Pidge released Lance’s arm and clung to Shiro tightly. She wasn’t crying, but he could feel how tense she was. Lance had given them a brief synopsis of what he’d gathered had happened. It wasn’t much, but from what they’d all gathered, and with Shiro’s knowledge of the Druids, they were able to put together a rough understanding of what all she’d been through. Knowing didn’t make anyone feel any better. At least it could help them to build a bridge for her though. 

“Katie... we know what happened,” Shiro said softly after a moment. “Lance told us where you were.”

Pidge stiffened noticeably in his arms, and he looked down to see her staring hard over at Lance. He only looked a little guilty. “They needed to know.”

“So then you know why I can’t be a Paladin,” Pidge said, stepping back away from Shiro and the rest of them. “I don’t belong here. Not anymore.”

Lance’s heart fell. He’d been hoping she would’ve dropped that attitude when she got back on the ship. But she could be quite the single-minded little brat at times, and it looked like she wasn’t budging on this. “Pidge...”

“That’s total bullshit.” Everyone but Pidge looked over at Keith in shock. She looked over too, but she didn’t appear at all surprised. He was never one to mince words, especially with her. “If you don’t belong with us, then where do you belong? None of us are going to give up on you. We need you. The universe needs you too,” he added as an afterthought. 

They were all reminded of the first fight that he and Pidge had after they’d formed Voltron the first time. Except now, Keith’s words came from a place of caring, rather than anger. And to everyone’s surprise, Pidge didn’t get mad. Actually, her eyes were wide, almost like she was- _afraid?_ Instead of responding to Keith, Pidge turned back to Shiro. “Shiro, you know- you know what it was like. You know what I- things that a Paladin-“

She was struggling to talk with everyone staring at her, and Shiro finally took pity on her. “I _do_ know. I did the same things, and I’m a Paladin. It’s hard to talk about- you don’t have to right now. And no one expects you to be able to just jump back in with us. But you need to know that you’ll be alright.”

“And we’ll be with you the whole time,” Allura said with a kind smile. “Keith was right. We do need you. And for more than just Voltron. These last few phoebs without you have been unbearable.”

Pidge clearly wasn’t convinced, but it looked like she wasn’t up for arguing. She mostly just looked tired. More tired than her usual ‘I stayed up all night working’ kind of tired- it was closer to ‘I haven’t had a break from all the awful things around me for five months, and I’ve been almost constantly overwhelmed by it all.’ 

“You should get some rest, Pidge.” Coran’s voice was soft, like he was talking to someone who was already almost asleep, but was resisting letting go of consciousness all the way. 

That was a bit of a tricky suggestion. On one hand, Pidge felt like she could sleep for a month. On the other, sleep meant dreams. And dreams meant her mind would be reliving things. Reliving was the absolute last thing she wanted to do now. “Can I get some food first?”

Coran nodded, and he and Hunk set off towards the kitchen. The others all followed, albeit a bit slower. Pidge seemed to have a hard time remembering her way around the Castle. It had been some time since she’d lived there, but it was almost like this was the first time she’d been inside. She was staring around them like it was all brand new. It was nothing like how she had reacted the very first time she’d seen it though. Then there had been a sense of wonder. Now she had none of that excited energy that once had her practically bouncing off the walls. 

Something in her was just... missing. And no one had any idea of how to get it back. 

•••

As the days past and turned into weeks, team Voltron all had adjustments to make. Pidge was jumpy, and hostile at times even though she always tried to reel it in quickly. There wasn’t much of her playful spirit anymore. Now she was acting more like she did whenever she’d stayed up for five days straight without yielding any results almost constantly. At least she didn’t seem to be looking for fights- it was more like she was just letting them happen without trying to reason first. They mostly started with someone grabbing her by the shoulder out of the blue or trying to ask intruding questions. Soon enough it got easier to be aware of those things around her though, and the Castle fell into a sort of tense peace. Everyone was walking on eggshells around her. 

Of course, she noticed. It bothered her, even though she could understand where it was coming from. Truth be told, it wasn’t so much that _they_ were bothering her- rather, her inability to control her reactions was bothering her. She’d always liked to think that she was the rational one, able to put logic over emotion when others couldn’t. It looked like that was just one more thing that had been taken from her. Her rationality, gone with her pride, self-respect, and trust in anything. It left her with nothing. 

The feeling of nothingness was almost as bad as the pain had been. Without any of the things that made her Katie Holt, then she was nobody. And nobodies couldn’t belong anywhere. Certainly not with the elite defenders of the universe. No, they needed a somebody for that. The Green Lion _deserved_ a somebody. 

She tried. She really did try to recover. But none of her old passions interested her any more. Creating things, solving problems, coming up with new ideas, nothing inspired her anymore. No matter how hard she looked, she just couldn’t find anything that made her feel like she should have. 

Pidge had taken to spending more and more time with Lance. Even she wasn’t totally sure why. She would call on him to help her with on projects (there weren’t nearly as many as there once had been). Sometimes she would drag him to the training room to spar (she had managed to surpass him in terms of skill in the time that she’d been gone). Mostly though, she liked to simply curl up and snuggle into his side. Like she was trying to make up for all the time she’d spent without gentle, consensual contact. Or maybe she was trying to remind herself that things were better now- that she was safe and back with people who loved her. 

Whatever the reason, Lance never commented on it, and neither did the others. It wasn’t like it was a huge hinderance. If it was helping her to feel better, then he was more than happy to do it. To be totally honest, he was having fun with her. He enjoyed her company. Even when she was in a bad mood, she could be fun to pester. But he could always tell when enough was enough. 

It had taken some time to relearn those boundaries with her though. He had to be careful when it came to touching her- it was no longer just a casual thing to throw a lazy arm over her shoulders. He’d managed to learn that lesson after a particularly harsh panic attack. Instead, he left initiating contact up to her. Actually, he left most things up to her. He didn’t try and bring up anything that happened to her in the months that she was away. He always kept conversation casual, unless she wanted to talk about something.

And sometimes she did. 

“I’m not feeling so good,” Pidge said at Lance’s side, earning a scowl from him. They were enjoying a brief bit of downtime in the lounge. Sitting close together, they’d mostly remained quiet until Pidge had spoken. There had been a lot more downtime than usual lately- with Pidge still refusing to approach the Green Lion, the team still couldn’t form Voltron. When Shiro had approached that with her, she’d simply snapped that maybe he should ask Coran to be the Green Paladin. He’d had a feeling that it was mostly snark, but her reluctance did have everyone concerned. 

“So you cuddle up with me? Tryin’ to get me sick?”

She laughed dryly. “Not that kind of not feeling good. I mean my brain isn’t feeling good.”

Oh. Lance kept forgetting that she wasn’t good at getting her point across when it came to feelings that she considered to be weak, like sadness or fear. It was rare that she brought up emotions at all. Something must’ve really been bothering her today. Maybe she’d had more nightmares last night. Or maybe she hadn’t slept at all and was just tired. He would never know if he didn’t give her any prompting. “Do you have any idea why?”

Pidge shrugged, and Lance had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. There wasn’t too much he could do with that. She was so difficult sometimes. Apparently he’d have to be more specific. “Did you have any nightmares last night?”

This time she nodded. She wasn’t looking at him, he noticed, and was playing around with the hem of his shirt instead. “I woke up a lot.”

Lance sighed sadly and started running his fingers through her messy hair, gently scratching his fingernails along her scalp. He smiled when she started to relax into him a bit more. “Do you want to tell me about them?”

“There’s not really much to say. You’ve heard it all before.”’

“Well, is there anything I can say or do to help?” He was secretly relieved that she had said no. Hearing her nightmares- the details of what she’d been through- was hard to stomach. 

“Just keep doing what you’re doing.” Her answer managed to elicit a chuckle from Lance, and he scooted a little closer to her. Since she’d gotten back, she was _much_ more touchy-feely than she had been before. Lance didn’t particularly mind. Snuggling her was nice- a bit like snuggling a kitten or something. They remained like that quietly for a time, Lance messing around on the tablet Allura had given him, and Pidge watching him closely. He had just started playing a game that was similar to temple run when Pidge spoke again. “I was really mad at you all. For a long time, I thought you’d just left me behind. I hated you for it.”

He paused and looked down at her. She’d kept her face fairly neutral, so Lance did the same. “That makes sense. I probably would’ve been too. Are you still mad at us?”

Pidge started to shake her head, but then stopped and shrugged again. “Would you be upset if I said yes?”

“No. I mean, I would, but you have every right to be angry. And I wouldn’t be upset over that. Do you get what I mean?” She nodded, but didn’t say anything else right away. “You can tell me if you’re angry, Pidge. I would understand.” 

Lance felt her sigh heavily his side, and reached his arm around her to pull her into a weak hug. He felt a little bad when she jumped at the movement- it hadn’t been his intent to startle her. But she relaxed again quickly enough. “I am, sometimes. I know you’ve all said it was hard on you, when I was gone, and I believe that you were trying hard to find me. But when I look around- you guys were here, together, when I was there, and all alone... I really thought you’d given up on me. It kinda made me give up on myself. If I wasn’t important enough for you guys to try and find me- I never realized how much being the Green Paladin had been a part of me until I wasn’t anymore.”

When she stopped, Lance didn’t press her to finish. He’d learned long ago that pushing the subject just equated to pushing her away, and he didn’t want that. Not now that she was feeling comfortable with him. No, she needed to reach out to him on her own. 

Still, he needed to let her know that she could talk to him, and that he would listen and do everything in his power to make her feel better. “We would never, _ever_ give up on you. You’re one of us. You’re still our Green Paladin, like it or not. Even if you’re not ready yet.”

Pidge nodded and gave him a small smile. “Thanks.”

“Can I ask you something?” _‘Fuck, why’d I do that?’_ He had literally just told himself he shouldn’t push her. But he couldn’t help it. The question had been gnawing at the back of his mind since he’d first seen her back in the arena. And the cat was out of the bag now, he couldn’t really take it back. 

“Mmhm.”

“How many- how many times did they throw you in there? The arena, I mean.” God, he felt like a dumbass. It was one of their unspoken rules, that he wasn’t supposed to bring up anything from when she’d been missing. 

She knew what he was really asking. He wanted to know how many people she had killed. As much as she didn’t want to think about it, Pidge knew that it would inevitably come up again and again until she gave an answer. Might as well rip off the band-aid. “Twenty-nine times. I killed twenty-nine times. You were going to be number thirty.”

There _had_ been one alien that had split up into about a dozen other, littler aliens that she’d had to kill, but given that it had started out as one being, she was only counting it as one. She could still remember each and every one of its terrified faces. 

Twenty-nine. Lance hadn’t been expecting the number to be that high- no wonder she was having such a hard time. She had fought and killed _twenty-nine_ times just for Galran kicks. It wasn’t all that surprising that she didn’t say anything else, so he left it at that. He’d already asked more than he should’ve. Lance was actually more surprised that she hadn’t pulled away from him. 

Although, since she wasn’t leaving yet, he might as well ask another thing that was playing on his mind. “In the arena... you said that the Galra were going to reunite you with your family. Did you get any clues from them while you were there? About where they might be?”

Pidge shook her head sadly. “I didn’t. I don’t think they were going to. The whole time I was fighting, I was telling myself that I was fighting to get back to them. But the Galra were just manipulating me. They weren’t trying to make any deals or anything. No ‘kill this many and we’ll let you see them again.’ I think I knew that deep down, but I needed to tell myself something to justify everything that I was doing. I don’t... I don’t even know if my dad is still alive. I keep telling myself that Matt escaped, but there hasn’t been _anything_ on my dad. And even if he is still alive, then now I know what he could be going through.”

There wasn’t much for Lance to say that would actually mean anything, but he still needed to try. “You’ve come this far trusting your gut that they were still alive. It was right about Matt still kicking, right? What’s it telling you about your dad?”

“That... that he’s still alive. But-“

“No ‘buts!’ If that’s what your guts telling you, then you gotta follow that.” Lance was pleased to see her small smile again. After a quick moment of silence, Lance decided to suggest something. “Maybe you should go and see Green. You know she could help. I’m sure she’s been missing you.”

Much to his relief- and disbelief- Pidge nodded, and stood to start to walk off. Lance let her go without saying anything else. What might’ve given her that final little push at last? She’d been refusing to go to the Green Lion since they’d rescued her. Whatever it was, Lance was glad. She needed this. Reassurance from her Lion would no doubt go a long way in reminding Pidge that she belonged with them and making her feel more at home again. The thought that the Green Lion might reject her never even crossed his mind. Because Pidge belonged with her. Hell, she and Hunk were the only two who had been in the same Lions from the start- they had to have a stronger bond than the rest of them. Allura had sensed it from the minute she laid her eyes on Pidge. She was practically made to pilot Green. There was no one else in the universe more suited to be with the Green Lion than her. Lance had every faith in her. 

Pidge, however, did not share those beliefs. Her hands were shaky as she reached the Lion’s hangar. It took a lot of psyching up before she was ready to open the door and face Green. 

“Hey there, girl. Long time no see. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.” Pidge stood in the Green Lion’s hangar nervously. She tried hesitantly reaching out with her mind to connect with the Lion. There was no response, but that wasn’t exactly unusual. The Lions didn’t always greet their Paladins. So Pidge walked closer until she could touch her paw. “Green? Can I come in?”

Nothing. Pidge could feel her heart start to break. The Green Lion was rejecting her, just as she’d feared. Where there was once a reassuring presence in Green’s company, now there was only another missing chunk. Unbidden tears started filling her eyes as she took in the implications of this new development. A small part of her had been hoping so _much_ that she would be wrong, that Green would forgive her for everything she’d done. If her Lion- if the Green Lion had thought she was still worthy, then she had thought she would be able to move on someday. But this... being turned away meant there was no place for her here anymore. She didn’t have anywhere else to go. 

Even worse, it meant her feelings about herself were right. She couldn’t stand that thought. 

“No, no, no, no, Green, please let me in! _Please!_ I need you now, you can’t-“ her voice cracked, and she sank to the ground. Because deep down she knew that the Green Lion could. And she should. Pidge didn’t deserve to be her Paladin anymore. She had killed people, people that absolutely didn’t deserve it, and she’d actually liked doing it. She’d tried to kill _Lance._

Whatever Green chose to do, Pidge would have to accept it. At the end of the day, she knew what would be best. And Pidge couldn’t force her to do anything. Turning around so she wasn’t facing the Lion, Pidge reached up with one hand to cover her mouth and stifled a sob. 

“Fuck. I knew it. I don’t belong here anymore. I ruined everything,” Pidge whispered miserably, hiccuping between words. “I shouldn’t have come back. I should have died before I did any of that. I was a Paladin- I was supposed to _protect_ people, not kill them. I failed.“

A sudden wave of concern washed over her, and she looked back to see the Lion’s eyes glowing dimly. Pidge’s heart skipped a beat as she quickly reached out once again to feel for their connection. This time it was there. It was weak, but it was there, and Pidge held on to it like a lifeline. There wasn’t a single thing that she wouldn’t do to keep this connection. 

Sorrow mixed in with the concern that Green was sending her. For what though, Pidge couldn’t be sure. For what she’d been through? For what she’d done? Sorrow that the Lion would have to find a new Paladin? A hint of affection suggested it was for the first one. Hope was slowly taking hold in Pidge’s mind that maybe she wouldn’t lose her Lion. But then why had Green not replied when Pidge had first tried to connect with her? She was really wishing that she was able to hear Green talk, like Lance and Shiro had said of their Lions before. A conversation would’ve been welcome right now. She would need to strengthen their bond if she wanted that. Hesitating for only a moment, Pidge stood up to her full height, and once again set her hand on Green’s huge paw. 

“Come on, girl. I need you. I need to know what you’re trying to tell me,” she said. Pidge took a deep breath and lowered the mental walls she had constructed to compartmentalize her life. She had shared this with Green before- or rather, something like it. Then, Pidge had still felt the need to keep a few things private from her Lion. Things like why she was so obsessed with finding her brother, things like the shame and embarrassment that had been a part of her since she first started getting bullied at school. Things Pidge didn’t deem relevant to their relationship. Things that had happened to her in the past few months. Everything that she hadn’t wanted to think about at all and had buried deep within herself to avoid. But Pidge understood now that, if she wanted to really connect with her Lion, she would need to share it all with her. And Green returned the favor, granting Pidge access to all her history. Just as Pidge was starting to see her predecessor, Trigel, a voice spoke to her. 

_“Little one. You are the same person that you were when we met.”_ The voice in Pidge’s head was regal. Strong, but with affection that made it gentle. Pidge could listen to that voice for forever. It made her heart fly. Because this was the Green Lion talking to her at last. _“You are still my Paladin.”_

“Green, so much of me is missing now. I’m not who I was anymore- I’m not the same person who you chose. I’ve done things that a Paladin shouldn’t do- I’ve hurt people. Killed them, all so some Galrans could have fun.”

_“You have come back damaged, my little one. I am aware of what you have done, and why you did it. And how you felt while you were fighting. I know how much they took from you. But you are still you. You are just lost, and you need to find yourself again. It’s a journey you must take, and for much of it you will be alone. You cannot let yourself give in to dark thoughts- that you should’ve died, or that you’ve failed. You are a survivor, my little one, and you know that guilt over past wrongs cannot define you. Take your time to recover. I am not giving you up, but you must heal before we fly together again.”_

_‘I don’t know if I can do this,’_ Pidge thought to herself, feeling overwhelmed all of the sudden. She was struggling just to keep on living. The words Green spoke were another thing altogether. She didn’t have the first clue as to how to find herself, let alone start to heal. How could she do that when she could hardly remember her life before she’d been captured? There were still snippets of good times, of things she’d been passionate about- but so much of it had been overwritten by the months she’d spent with the Druids. So much of who she was had been broken down to the foundations. ‘Finding herself’ would be like finding one specific needle in a pile of needles. 

_“Yes you can,”_ Green told her firmly. Right. Green could hear her thoughts, and feel her self-doubt. _“I have seen what you’ve endured. I know what you’re capable of. And you are capable of this. I wouldn’t have chosen you otherwise. You must have faith in yourself, little one.”_

Pidge pressed her lips together tightly, but nodded. She would pick herself up again. Strangely enough, Pidge liked the ‘little one’ nickname. It was possessive, with a proud and protective tone. The faith that Green had in her gave her strength she thought she’d lost. She looked up at her Lion’s face to see that her eyes were no longer lit up. But she was still there, hovering in the back of Pidge’s brain. 

Memories would haunt her dreams, and purple veins would always remind her of her time spent as a prisoner. Gathering the pieces and putting herself back together would be hard, and she’d never really get it all back. But she was strong. And she wasn’t alone. She could pull through this. It was a long road towards recovery. But she could do it. 

The sudden surge of confidence she felt surprised her. Maybe there really was something left of her after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Y'all can probably expect a few more works being posted in the next week or so. Hopefully. I'm trying. Feel free to shoot me a request or just say hi @ http://the-sinnamon-roll-writes.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> I really am fond of how this one turned out. My little Plance fangirl heart came out to have a bit of fun. This is probably my favorite chapter in the Trust and Burn/Arena saga. Like I said, there might be a follow up to this. I've got something in the works, but I'm not sure how much I'm liking it. As always, shoot me a message if you wanted to see anything or just say hi @ http://the-sinnamon-roll-writes.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> God, looking back, Trust and Burn is such a stupid name, I really should've come up with something better.


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